Don't Ever Look Back
by mscatmoon
Summary: As Jim Kirk once said, "You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves." Kirk is brilliant. Sam... not so much. A tale of sacrifice, and the unintended consequences.


**_DON'T EVER LOOK BACK_**

_by Cat Moon_

_Don't ever look back, 'cause yesterday's behind you_

_Don't ever look back, 'cause someone wants to find you,_

_Run to him..._

_He stood in the darkness, watching._

_A spring breeze ruffled the curtains slightly. In the other room, the grandfather clock faithfully kept time, soothing with its familiar rhythm. Light from a sky full of stars shone in through the window, bathing the body in the bed with an unearthly glow..._

"Sam, what have you done?" Al murmured into the darkness in an agonized voice. With one last look at the sleeping form of his wife Beth, he moved over by the window to look up at the stars.

A lifetime ago, yet a mere twelve hours, Beth appeared in his life again, there in the office when he walked in. As if she'd always been. He'd almost passed out, had to pacify her with excuses about dizziness from the Imaging Chamber.

Then he'd seen the photograph of his children on the desk.

It should have been the happiest day of his life and he felt guilty about that, but it wasn't. Sam never realized the consequences of his action. It didn't make his sacrifice any less great, but Al didn't think he could deal with this new timeline.

Especially since Al didn't remember it. He'd always kept the original timeline, knew the others which followed only from physical evidence. He glanced at Beth again. He'd spent thirty-nine years sleeping beside this woman, making love to her...and he did not remember any of it. For him, it didn't happen.

Didn't remember any of his daughters birthdays, graduations, weddings, any of the special moments that made up the past three decades. Al squeezed his eyes shut to stifle hot tears, willing himself not to cry.

He'd given up Beth, willingly, laid the past to rest. Finally admitted that it wasn't meant to be. Now, here she was. He felt torn apart, split into two different people. One of them was a man who'd had a lot of trials, came through stronger for the pain. Another, obviously had a good life with a loving family.

Who was Al Calavicci?

Megrez twinkled down at him, and Al knew. There was only one Al, just like here was only one Sam. They were the only two people on earth who knew that, who really knew each other.

Now, Sam was lost. Gone, vanished. This time they didn't even have birthdays as a place to start looking. Al had spent all day with Ziggy, getting the facts. Sam had made a choice between leaping home and...and getting Beth back for Al. Sam sacrificed his own freedom, home, perhaps even life, for Al.

_Damn you, Sam Beckett!_ Al thought at the indifferent star. _Who gave you that right? _Immediately he felt ashamed. Sam had made the ultimate declaration of love. Gave up everything he had. He didn't deserve to be cursed. Even if it was a stupid thing to do.

_When I get a hold of him, I'm going to break his neck! When I get a hold of him..._

Al smiled slightly, ruefully. It wasn't Sam's fault that Al had appointed himself giver of all sacrifices, martyr supreme. What Sam didn't understand was that the things Al did for him were never a sacrifice. Never. It was a pleasure. He'd never given up anything he really _had_, and no matter what he'd done, he'd still had Sam. The past was over, gone. Sam's life was the most important thing to him now.

_You fool! I was happy, I was living without her. I didn't need you to give up your life getting her back. Didn't want you to..._

It hurt with a pain too deep for words. He could never accept what Sam had done. The only real friend he'd ever had, the one he'd protected, taken care of all those years. Sam didn't deserve the consequences of his actions. He deserved to come home, not to be trapped in time alone forever.

_Poor Sam..._

Al could not let it happen.

He turned from the window, going over to the bed to give his wife the barest of a kiss on her cheek, so as not to wake her. Beth would understand. Once, in another timeline, Sam had done a similar thing...and for far less reason.

Ziggy had given him a good 93% chance that if he leaped, their link would enable him to grab onto Sam and leap to wherever he was.

Sam might not be home, but he wouldn't be alone. Ever again.

Al slipped out of the room and headed for the Project and the Accelerator, without looking back.

_The longest trip starts with just one step_

_And if you never take it, you'll never make it..._

**the end**

5/8/93

*Don't Ever Look Back, by Bo Donaldson and The Heywoods. Mitchell Bottler / Michael Price / Daniel Walsh


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